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Steve Zakuani has already given some unsuspecting right backs sleepless night so far this season. His ball control, his speed and his insightful passes have assisted with three of the 12 goals he didn’t score himself. One thing they don’t lose sleep over is Steve hacking his way through their shin pads, scything them down cynically, going in cleats up or the dreaded two footed tackle. It’s not that Stevie wouldn’t hurt a soul. It’s just that he hasn’t. Not once. Not one single foul. 592 minutes as a Seattle Sounder and Steve Zakuani hasn’t committed a single foul. This nearly made him very special. But there was someone else, the even saintlier Mr Darrius Barnes who had played through every minute of New England Revolution’s nine matches. To give you some idea of how much an achievement that is, Darrius is a defender and had played 720 minutes without a single infraction of the rules. We asked Darrius how he did this in a league considered by many to be fairly physical.
“I think it’s all about when and where to tackle. I try to stay on my feet most of the time – that’s something Stevie (Nicol’s) told me to do – because when you slide and get off your feet, then you’re going to be out of the play if you don’t get the ball. I think the timing is key – just knowing when to get in. It’s something I’ve been conscious of this year, just knowing when and where to go to the ground and tackle.
I only need to try and slide tackle if it’s clear cut that I’m going to win the ball and it’s a dangerous situation for the opposing team. Other than that, I just try to play clean and win my own battles. If somebody is getting physical with me, I’m going to get physical back, but I don’t initiate it. Obviously you have to get physical with the forwards as a defender, but I don’t initiate it and try to get dirty with them.
I just play my own game, because when you start playing “push and shove” with them then you’re not really then focused on the game, so I just try and take note of everything else and when need be, I get physical.”And so we thought we had a great story, with a deserved pat on the back for a relatively unheralded but completely fair and honest player. Just the sort of PR the MLS needs. But events were to take a dark turn.We Jinx Darrius BarnesAmazingly despite his preparation and attention to detail, Barnes had no idea he was out on his own in the cleanliness stakes.
“Not at all, when you asked was the first time I’ve heard of it. I didn’t even know there was such a statistic. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, being a defender, but I definitely wasn’t aware. I’ve always been a clean player. I can get physical when need be, but I’ve always been a clean player.”Look No Hands! Darrius Playin' it Fair against ColoradoPhoto: New England RevsWell that was until we told him. After 720 angelic minutes in which Darrius was blissfully unaware of his record, all went violently wrong against Toronto FC. 20 minutes and two seconds into the game, Barnes pushed Toronto’s burly English forward Danny Dichio in the back. Referee Michael Kennedy, totally inconsiderate of the story we were going to run, awarded the free kick. We condemned Mr Kennedy to eternal darkness and Darrius Barnes became the former Mr Nice Guy! And lo, “Barnes the Brutal” – ok it was no more than a gentle shove - was yesterday’s news. And there was a new cleanest player in the MLS. Seattle’s own Saint Steve Zakuani.So having thoroughly demolished Darrius “Shover” Barnes pristine record just by drawing his attention to it, we approached Steve Zakuani with due trepidation to quiz him on his elevation to saintliest player in America.PROST AMERIKA: 592 minutes without committing a foul, are you aware of your incredible statistic?STEVE ZAKUANI: Not really because tackling has never been a big part of my game, and so I don’t pay attention to the details around it. If I went that long without dribbling, for example, I would obviously be very aware. PROST AMERIKA: Are you just a very good tackler or do you consciously set out to avoid contact? STEVE ZAKUANI: Neither one really. I play in a way that usually invites tackles from the opposition rather than me being the one making tackles, and because I am out wide, I usually don’t get caught in the scraps that tend to happen in the middle of the pitch.PROST AMERIKA: Have you withdrawn from a challenge at any point because you felt it couldn’t be made fairly? STEVE ZAKUANI: I always try to win the ball if it’s there, but if I see that I can’t win it cleanly, then I won’t make the tackle. I’ll just keep applying pressure. PROST AMERIKA: Has Sigi Schmid made any comment, asking you to play harder or is he proud of you for not giving away possession? STEVE ZAKUANI: No, nothing so far.So today, purely in the interests of investigative journalism, we asked Sigi Schmid if given Steve’s record, it was time to tell the elegant Congolese midfielder to ‘get stuck in’ as Alan Hinton would say. Sigi chuckled and told us an interesting tale:
“I haven’t really looked at that stat. I had a player who was a really good technical player years ago and for some reason I pushed him into the back three. The first ball he went for he immediately committed a foul and it was his first foul for probably two years.
“If you ask a player like that to be a little more aggressive, it’s hard sometimes for them to interpret it properly. They may think more aggressive means ‘I’m just going to go in and challenge,’ and they’re late and it’s awkward. They either hurt themselves or pick up cards. (smiles) No, I’m just going to let him play.”That’s his boss, what about his team mates?PROST AMERIKA: Are your team mates giving you any stick about being a saint? STEVE ZAKUANI: I don’t think they are aware of it, just like I wasn’t. But there is a good chance they will once they hear about it. PROST AMERIKA: Have you ever felt like just whacking someone on the pitch? STEVE ZAKUANI: Not really. As long as I can remember, tackling and physical confrontation have never been my thing. I’m more used to being hit than being the one doing the hitting, and so after all these years of playing, I have never felt the urge to make a statement on the pitch with a hard tackle. I’d rather do that with a dribble, a pass, or a goal. PROST AMERIKA: Which will Steve Zakuani do first; foul someone, or score with his left foot? STEVE ZAKUANI: That’s a tough one… I’m going to go with the ideal and say score with my left. So Steve Zakuani, thanks to a miscreant referee who ruined our original story, is now the cleanest player in the USA, and Sounders fans should be very proud of this, considering the team’s propensity to pick up red cards for not very much.So who does Steve have to keep on the good side of this weekend to retain his record? Step forward tomorrow’s match referee Mr. Michael Kennedy. Bah!Thanks to the New England Revs for their help with this article. They’ll probably never speak to us again

Toronto vs. Real Madrid: The Battle of the Subtext
Posted Today at 12:05 PM by Pack87Man
I greatly appreciated the news that Toronto FC has moved an MLS game with the New York Red Bulls in order to schedule a friendly with possibly the biggest club in the world, Real Madrid. Part of the fun of this announcement is figuring out all the moving parts that went into it. You have to feel for the Red Bulls fans, who were planning on making a vacation of going to that game, then traveling down to see the USA at Mexico. I would hope that some compensation would be coming their way. However, this is a big friendly, both for Toronto FC and in some bizarre way, shows where the league is... Toronto vs. Real Madrid: The Battle of the Subtext
Posted Today at 12:05 PM by Pack87Man
I greatly appreciated the news that Toronto FC has moved an MLS game with the New York Red Bulls in order to schedule a friendly with possibly the biggest club in the world, Real Madrid. Part of the fun of this announcement is figuring out all the moving parts that went into it. You have to feel for the Red Bulls fans, who were planning on making a vacation of going to that game, then traveling down to see the USA at Mexico. I would hope that some compensation would be coming their way. However, this is a big friendly, both for Toronto FC and in some bizarre way, shows where the league is...